Thursday, November 01, 2007

November 1st, 2007 - Upon Which Seeds Grow in Bullshit



Bullshit has a bad reputation. To so many, it is nothing but the waste generated after the creation of the stock market, where people realized the more bullshit they used the higher their stock prices went. This one to one correlation caused a number of things to happen, most notably the capitalization of bullshit by company owners: bullshit makes money. As a fortunate (or unfortunate) result, bullshit has value.

They are not the first to realize this—for thousands of years, farmers knew of the life-giving, valuable properties of bullshit. They coated their fields in it. In fact, the more bullshit they used, the more successful, in general, was their crop during harvest time. Pour it on! Use bullshit--they whispered between their friends and family--and your fields grow miracles. The positive properties of bullshit are something that most farmers don’t care to talk about over dinner, however. If everyone knew that most of the food they eat was grown in bullshit, and they knew this in particular at dinner, they might be less likely to eat it. In other words, they are happy with the final product, but don’t want to be reminded about how it arose to such a perfect state.

Naysayers, alternatively, do not like that bullshit does good for so many people. In their eyes, bullshit is bullshit, and yeah, it might have some properties associated with growth, but there has to be something fundamentally wrong with the whole idea since it is bullshit. To the naysayer, bullshit is not true, and Lord knows how important the truth is! Maybe there’s some other thing that can be used to make crops sprout out of the ground full of life and we just haven’t discovered it. I mean, bullshit is dirty, and being dirty is never a good thing, sex aside. As a society, we have failed in that regard. To the naysayer, we just have not progressed to the point where we can find something that replaces bullshit that gives us an equal result.

In contrast, bullshit is just fine. To the bullshitter, they understand that if you sling enough of it, you start getting noticed. “Plant your flowers here! Look at all this bullshit! Something’s just GOTTA grow.” To me, this is what Google did. To the outsider, Google just seemed to own the matrix of reality, where their network of engineers had single-handedly written every device driver and file system call by hand with no use of any pre-existing software and had somehow created Godlike intelligence in the process. When you have a website and Google indexes it, it somehow exists in this cloud of data that is instantly accessible in a billion different ways. Google has somehow managed to sling bullshit to the point where they’ve attracted all these PhDs who wander around parking lots with their pants down because they’re thinking about some problem on how to eek an extra millisecond of performance out of life itself. In other words, Google knew that by slinging enough bullshit, they would attract the right seeds from the right hands that would make all those lovely flowers grow. With enough slinging of bullshit, maybe everyone would forget that google is actually a misspelling for ‘googol’.

I enjoy bullshit, and Google is an example of the proper way to coat your fields in it. To me, Google created the best crops in the land through deception. You don’t hear about what Google does until it is already done. There is no time to catch up to them, because they’re so deceptive. The less you know about someone, the larger than life and more appealing they become. Same for companies. But all that iceberg that you think is just below the surface is a load of crap. Instead of fighting it, however, how about do the opposite? Capitalize upon it. Be a mystery. It is the only way people will want to plant their seeds within you. If they knew the truth, they wouldn’t give a damn, because regardless of what any purist might tell you, bullshit can and does make many people filthy rich. If we didn’t have bullshit, we’d see corporations for what they truly are—a mass jumbled mess of competing motives and committee meetings that go nowhere. But with bullshit… loads of bullshit, bullshit for everyone—companies are so much more.

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